semester 3 and give up

Helloooo. since I'm currently in my 4th semester, i decided to share my semester 3 journey here. to share what i felt during semester 3. 

Honestly speaking, ever since I have started my degree, I always cry. Degree is very challenging. Why there is nobody warning and telling all those student who dreams to take degree about how hard degree life would be? I honestly cry a lot.. By that, i really meant it. I cry a lot. But a lot moreeeeee in my semester 3. No, this is not something to be proud of. 

But people need to know the ugly side of me. I cry a lot during semester 3. Thinking of it back, i was so busy during my semester 3. I was busy preparing a lot of things, back to back classes, program, cocurriculum and a lot more. 

Every day, I questioned myself, why do I take degree? why am i choosing this pathway. 

I have class from monday to saturday. I can only rest on sunday. Almost every day I had meeting with my superior of SPK club. We had meeting around 10, and will end around 2 or 3 am every single day. The next day, i need to wake up early for morning classes. I need to walk here and there to go to the class because it was so far away. 

I did not have friends in my majoring. I am majoring in journalism by the way. All my good friends are from other major. So i was alone, blurr, confused, puzzled in every single class not knowing what to do. Have no friends, hence I ended  up in the wrong group assignment. I had a few group assignment where I was alone doing all the assignment, because they were all free rider. 

I had no friend in the major, so i cry alone. but things are not going to solve if i cry only, so i will always wipe my tears and continue doing my work. or sometimes, i will do the work with crying. I mean, is not a big deal to cry while doing your work. as long as you do your work.

I had an exhibition for my group assignment at the faculty, and I ended up doing all the works, alone. It was so hard to do it alone. Going here and there, running errands, print all the sheets, preparing all the photograph, all alone. I still remember how hard i cried while walking to the exhibition place. Because I was too sad, i did not even take any picture. not even one picture. so i had not evidence of me doing the exhibition. 

i still remember how i cried while telling my lecturer about my feelings, my struggles, and all the free riders problem. till the point of nangis sampai keluar hingus.

As you all know, one of my good friend passed away. I was so sad, I cried every single day too. It was so hard to lose your friend. and what make me more sad is because, i was not a good friend. I always busy that i cannot catch up with them. Every day, I will always think of her, wondering if there is any good thing that I have ever done to her. Because I was not a good friend. Thinking of how life would be for her family after she passed away. Thinking of all the memories that we have created in the limited time. 

I had a few friends that thought that I am kind, so they always take advantages of me. they always try to ask me to do this and that. and being a stupid person like me, idk why, but i do what they asked. hoping that they have good intention. but they did not have good intention other than using me. 

I mean, after all, you can conclude that i was lonely. but i honestly think that lonely is not something to look down at. hence, i can live alone. it just that, my surrounding was not very great. 

I always feel like giving up. But i still moving forward. You know why? because of my parents. I may not have the courage to say this in front of them, but I honestly really grateful to have them. They sacrifice a lot of things to make end meet, and to support their kids. so why would i give up when they never give up in raising me?

I am sure, they have their own struggle too, but they never show it in front of their kids. They never give up to give the best to me. 

Then, one day i decided to change my laptop wallpaper to my family picture. so that i can remember them, always and forever. 

I am so sorry for this emotional write up.